Tales From Walter Carrington Crescent

Have you paid a visa-seeking visit to the American Consulate in Victoria Island,Lagos lately? Well, I have and it was an interesting experience. From the time I arrived the nearby Napex parking area about 6.30 that weekday morning, there was one thing or the other catching my attention almost every couple of minutes. Since I strangely forgot to come along with the pre-requisite passport photographs for my application form, I was referred, by some hustling young men, to a busy place by the lagoon where chaps with digital cameras were busy turning the place to makeshift studios by quickly snapping those in similar circumstances as me. It was funny seeing how one person held a white cloth behind the applicant (since pictures with a white background were compulsory requirements from the Embassy) while the photographer did the needful.After obtaining my overpriced passport-sized picture,i then stood in line till it was time to enter the US territory.While there,we were entertained by a newspaper vendor who joked that buying a paper was a key requirement for entering the building. He also mentioned that no sharing of newspapers was permitted at the Consulate(his comical ploy to get every interested person to buy his/her own copy).This guy with a great sense of humor pleaded that applicants should kindly not go in with any charms,as a simple prayer was a better option in their pursuit of the coveted seal. The other funny observation was the variety of services being rendered by the large number of hustlers outside the consulate building. There were even those who offered to hold your mobile phone for you (for a fee, of course) while one was inside conducting his/her affairs within, since the embassy strictly forbade all applicants from going in with them. This service comes in handy in cases where the impending traveler didn’t come along with a car and had no other choice. That said, and apart from the few people who tried to be typical ‘Nigerians’ by attempting to jump the queue, there wasn’t any other significant incident noticed while waiting.Oh,i actually forgot something else.A s we queued,i enviously watched most of the foreign staff get to work via speedboat/ferry.A smart way of beating the legendary island traffic.
While inside & seated, I noticed the young guy beside me was taking no chances in his quest and had even included pictures from his wedding day (an extra effort to show the Americans that he had important ties in Nigeria).Then there was this Ibo man with his wife and 2 kids who had told a security guard, with whom he had a little confrontation, that he wasn’t desperate to go to ‘God’s own Country’ and, as such, should be treated with respect.Therefore,I was understandly quite surprised to see his eyes water when the interviewer told him later that she couldn’t grant him the visa as she was unconvinced he and the family would return after their intended ‘visit’.
I did feel sorry for one of two tense siblings who were hoping for student visas. They each saw a different interviewer.Outcome: the girl was given, while the brother was denied. He stood motionless for close to a minute after the lady had informed him of her decision. I wondered what the mood in their home would be later in the day.Bittersweet, to say the least. I also easily recollect a fair-skinned young lady who was denied barely 30seconds into her interview.
As for me, my interaction with my blonde-haired male interviewer was brief as well. And luckily, it ended with a positive result: 2 years, multiple.
By the time I was driving away from Walter Carrington Crescent, it was just past noon. I was hungry and a bit tired.Nevertheless,like i earlier mentioned,I enjoyed the experience.
Obama Country,see you in the near future.

D'Banj,An Eatery & A Raised Voice

As some of you may know,the artiste D’Banj struck a deal with UAC to exclusively release his music some months ago. The 'Mo Hits Compilation' CD was the first album to be released under the arrangement between both parties, as the disc was solely available at Mr. Biggs outlets in a bid to curb piracy of his hard work. As a big fan of the Kokomaster’s, I was eagerly anticipating the release of his much-hyped new release, ‘The Entertainer’. Since the official 2-part launch of this effort was just held this past weekend, I felt there was the likely possibility that copies would be available to buy at various locations of the popular eatery.So,on my home, I decided to quickly check at the Mr Biggs outlet near my home. Since I wasn’t certain that the CD would be available,i decided to save my time by asking the security guard at the entrance(while still in my car) to kindly help me find out if the album was being sold in-store. The nice chap returned about 30 seconds with the ‘good’ news of the item’s availability. So, innocently trying to take advantage of his helpful demeanour,I then asked if he could quickly help me purchase a copy. When he expectedly obliged, I handed him some money. He quickly returned with a CD and my change. As I was about to thank him and tell him to keep the remaining money for his pleasant attitude, I noticed that he had bought the 6-month old Mo Hits compilation album(which i already owned instead.
Understandly,I told him that wasn’t what I wanted and that he should help return it and bring back my dough.Surprisingly, he didn’t come back as quickly as the first time. About 4 minutes had passed and I was about to exit my car to find out why, when he suddenly returned with the same CD and change. He mentioned that the staff had refused to take back the CD because it had already being registered into the machine as a sale. When he saw my instant visual expression, he suggested that I come in to see the shop supervisor myself.I entered to see a petit lady who I quickly figured was the person in charge. When I expressed my displeasure, she told me the exact thing the security guard had relayed to me. According to her,it had already been registered and therefore, was ‘impossible’ to accept it back.’ See me see trouble o’,I said to myself.
For those who know me,I didn’t disappoint. I started to rake. What did she mean?Was it my fault that their security guard gave me wrong information? It wasn't as if i returned a day later with the item or something.I told her that registering the sale didn’t stop her from adjusting/reversing the transaction.Afterall,the item would be back in their custody and would therefore not affect any accounting records. As accountants would say, it(the CD)was still ‘stock-in-hand’ at the end of the day. This ‘Madam Tiny Manager’ still wasn’t budging. Well, neither was I.I then asked her what happened in cases where a cashier mistakenly overbilled a customer at the till. Would the client be told ‘Sorry, but the items have already being registered. So it’s your loss,sir’’?It was when she subtly insinuated that it was my fault for not coming in myself to make sure it was the actual copy i was buying that I erupted. By now, most people across the floor had noticed our back-and-forth display. A shameful situation in which the ‘king of a customer’ was being treated in a typically naija way by a company’s person of assigned authority.
I guess it was when I told her that I was ready to take this matter to the highest level at UAC if necessary that this 'lady in desperate need of customer care schooling' decided to have a change of heart (it could also have been because she noticed my vocal range was reaching an Opera tenor’s level).She asked me to hand over the CD and, seconds later, sent one of the till girls to hand me back my money. I must confess I was pleased that my tough stance had yielded fruit.However,I felt disappointed in what this episode showed about our customer service culture in this country. Or rather, lake thereof. So many times I have observed customers being treated by company staff as if they (the customers) were beggars or being given the product/service free of charge. Like I tell some friends, the main reason why this sad situation continues to thrive is because many accept it.On several occasions, I’ve seen staff of supermarkets, fast food joints etc practically raise their voices at customers. Yes, the ‘victims’ may have been annoying, illiterate or slow but since when did that give anyone the right to talk down on them or treat with disrespect?They are paying for the goods/service,arent they?People fail to remember that without clients’ patronage, there would be no revenue and logically, no salary or jobs available to this rude set of employees. While the complete eradication of this ‘customer care’ problem in our homeland may be a long time coming, the short term fix lies in our hands i.e. customers. The solution: Never accept crap from any of these people especially when you know you haven’t been treated properly or courteously. And please don’t relent. NEVER.
Afterall, you all saw how it paid off in my battle with the Mr. Biggs lady.

Time To Whistleblow

Let me start by acknowledging that I, quite realistically, expect a large number of guys to be mute after reading this piece. Some may be defensive, while others could act as if they don’t fall into the category of men i’m about to comment on. Without trying to beat about the bush, I’ll jump straight to the crux of the matter. Yours truly is referring to the shockingly high volume of men (whether black, white, gay, straight etc) who, as a normal habit, fail to rinse their hands after taking a leak. While I subconsciously always knew that many dudes failed to do the needful after easing themselves, it wasn’t till a female friend of mine joked about it months ago that I took notice of the magnitude of the situation. She told me that she stopped shaking guys’ hands a long while ago (especially in bars/clubs).This friend added that she preferred to hug a guy she barely knew than shake hands with him. When I, understandly, asked her to shed more light on this, she expressed it was because of the unhygienic practices of chaps in the Gents. As such, hugging was a better option for her. Even though we both laughed about her non-handshaking policy with the opposite sex,I thought about it a bit further after she left.
So,I decided to take a detailed note myself by randomly observing the habits of my fellow gentleman from thereon. Since then, I’ve observed the ways of chaps in places as diverse as my office bathroom, bars, hotels, training venues etc.Both home and abroad. Sadly, the feedback hasn’t been good. Even in public bathrooms where expensive handwash was flowing like it was going out of fashion, dudes haven’t been tempted.Inclusive of the rich,poor,educated,illiterate and enlightened.Even in places where there has been enough tap water flowing to drown 100 Goliaths, my guys would not budge. They simple go in, unzip, do the needful,shake the stuff,re-zip and walk right out the door in a routine so orchestrated, they would be world champions if the process was an Olympic event. Even in cases where they noticed me taking time out to wash mine,many just walked right past. Like I was an efico or something that had too much time on his hands. I must admit that some guys have a rethink and are ‘inspired’ to do the hygienic thing when they see my humble self doing as is proper.
Now,I obviously don’t know what happens in the female bathrooms but I hope(no, pray) to God that it’s nowhere near what occurs in ours. What actually baffles me is that it only takes about 20 seconds to take some liquid, rub hands together and then rinse (add another 10-15 seconds in places with functional hand dryers).My fellow & dear Gentlemen, this is not a case of ratting out because as I mentioned earlier, my female friend & many other women in our midst already know the ‘koko’ of what happens in our toilets. Or rather in this context,what sadly 'doesn’t happen’.
The ways things are going, I might have to adopt a ‘hugging only’ stance as well.

The L Word

I probably hadn’t seen a black man sweat so profusely since Kunta Kinte in ‘Roots’. Although this chap wasn’t in such a dire situation as the aforementioned character, he was evidently tense. I noticed as I was driving to work along the slow-moving morning traffic on 3rd Mainland Bridge that I happened to be behind this male learner in a small Japanese car. Even though I had observed that the guy was driving a bit too indecisively for a typical lagos motorist, it wasn’t until his car’s engine went off that I decided to swerve out of this sluggish lane. As I drove past the gentleman, I noticed that he had someone with him in the front passenger seat who was voicing out instructions and encouragement in apparently equal measure.
Looking through my rearview mirror shortly after, I observed that other drivers behind this ‘troubled’ line had started changing lanes also when it became clear to them that the occupant in the Nissan was in anywhere but a hurry.
I then started to think of my own days as a learner, and putting into perspective the fact that everyone on the bridge was probably in a similar state at the start of their driving career. I recollected dreading to ever have the ‘L’ sign at the back of any vehicle I was commandeering, for nothing but male ego’s sake.
Actually, my own learning experience behind the wheels wasn’t derived through conventional means. I didn’t attend any driving school/s or take lessons from my dad’s driver, as was the case with many experts today.In my case, I practically schooled myself by the age-old method:trial and error. Yes, I had stolen a car from home before, but only to get instant payback for it by scratching the side door as I was driving of the house gate. As time went by, my driving skills expectedly got better and better(less life-threatening, rather).I know many guys/girls who started driving in their early teen years while there are those who still don’t have the ‘liver’ to dare take sole control of the ‘almighty’ automobile, especially in a crazy country for driving such as ours.(To give an example, as at a few years ago, reputable movie director Spike Lee, still couldn’t drive due to his phobia for it).
I do feel though, as many would agree,that driving in Naija (especially in our mad Eko) is far from easy and those who can do it flawlessly here can certainly handle the wheels in any other part of the globe. In fact, even in Mars.Abi there’s sand there?

A Truly Prized Possession

Friday afternoon.My office.2nd floor.When it made contact with the tiled surface below,it seemed like i had just been stabbed.Even though i haven't experienced that before(thankfully),i'm sure it felt just as painful.So what was 'it'?My beloved Nokia E61i falling more than 20 feet with incredible force after it had accidentally slipped out of my pocket as i was re-clipping my ID card onto my jeans.As i rushed down to see what damage had just occurred,i was understandably worried about the consequence of the device's impact.Fortunately,most of the phone was assembled with some ease by fellow colleagues who had witnessed the 'horror'.Sadly though,the screen had broken and as such,i couldn't see anything on my screen.For those who know me well,that was close to a tragedy.What would happen to my frequent mobile browsing,mobile office application for my emails as well as my regular texting activity?And last but not least,i was unable to see any caller's ID/messages.

It wasn't until i was rescued from my dilemma about 24 hrs later,courtesy of the kind people at I-Cell:Nokia's official handset repairs/warranty centre,that i finally had peace of mind(My special thanks goes to their wonderful employee,Victoria,for understanding my 'visible' trauma & attending to my desperate situation even though they had closed by the time i got there).The time in between incident and repair had been nothing short of a terrible discomfort for me.I was just not myself,was restless and felt so inconvenienced.That's when i realised how attached i had become to my precious mobile phone.The 7k cost of a new LCD screen for my E61i was a small price to pay to have my 'life' back.Seriously.Also,it was much cheaper than buying a new smartphone.It's obvious,now more that ever to me,that mobile phones might have become a priceless part of our daily lives.After all,it seems like it's one of our closest friends since we are practically with it all the time.And it took friday's unfortunate event to show just how important this special tool has become to us.

Like the saying goes,'you don't know what you've got till it's gone.'Well,thankfully in this case,it was only a 24-hr absence.

The Height Of Xenophobia

At first glance,the word 'Xenophobia' seems complex.However,it's definition is quite straight forward & easy to understand.'A fear or contempt of that which is foreign or unknown,especially of strangers or foreign people'.Many nigerians may easily remember our own 'Ghana Must Go' era in the 80s when our Ghanaian brothers were peacefully asked to return to their own country.Unfortunately,the situation in recent weeks has been anything but pleasant.The disturbing and largely fatal attacks on foreigners(mainly Zimbabweans)which emanated in the Gauteng townships of Johannesburg have been received with shock across the continent.Gruesome attacks on foreigners were reported in the mainly poor townships of the nation's commercial capital.As at today,over 40 people have been killed and there's further bad news of the violence spreading to other South African cities like Durban and Cape Town.The grouse by the unruly locals are that the foreigners are competing with them for the few available jobs & housing and are also responsible for the rising crime wave in their communities and cities.While actual proof of their claim may not be readily available,it's easy to understand why the suffering masses in the once racially divided nation are venting their frustrations,what with the hardship the country's predominantly black poor currently face.Nevertheless,the cruel and fatal attacks on their neighboring brothers can't in any way be justified or rationalised.
Even though President Mbeki has summoned the army to assist with quelling the escalating violence,there still seems to be,in the views of many observers,displeasure with the way the government has handled the crisis.On another note,many of our fellow Nigerians make up a significant amount of foreigners residing in the beautiful african country.Expectedly,the developments there have become a major cause of concern for their friends and relatives back home.I've heard that many nigerians there have taken refuge in churches,police stations and the Nigerian Embassy building.I sincerely hope the mayhem and riots end in the shortest possible time as no one with a conscience can be happy seeing the disturbing pictures & footage of fellow africans being beaten,raped & burnt alive.
Lastly,from the PR perspective,the situation could have a devastating impact on the country's booming tourism industry(67% of tourists in SA are africans) especially with the upcoming 2010 World Cup & the enormous economic benefits football-loving visitors would definitely bring to the nation.

The BA Controversy

Ladies & Gents,let me start by saying these are my personal views/thoughts on the recent British Airways controversy involving some nigerian passengers(and some other foreigners,i should add)in March.Well,i personally love flying BA...simply because i've alway had a pleasant experience each time i fly with them to and from the UK.And like the saying goes,'if it ain't broke,don't try to fix it'.That aside,Nigerians make me laugh.With all due respect to the passengers who were allegedly affected by the incident on that fateful day in March,why have nigerians not signed petitions for the appalling way they are treated(as customers) in banks,general & private hospitals,offices,govt agencies,state secretariats,ministries etc over here?How about the way bullion vans,military & policemen harass law-abiding citizens on a daily basis simply because they have guns/power?..what about the decay called Nepa(PHCN),the frightening crime rate,insecurity and other pathetic vices most nigerians face daily?..why has no one petitioned/protested against the Govt for treating it's citizens like this due to some greedy officials in office who have no conscience while in public office?..or is that not maltreatment,especially for tax-paying citizens who expect to receive certain basic things/a respectable standard of living.?Left to me,this BA incident is primarily a publicity stunt by some selfish twats who want their names/faces in the limelight.

We are really funny in this nation,i tell you.Instead of facing real issues,we are trying to feel important in the eyes of foreigners.This reminds me of the dumb petition some jobless passengers made against a foreign airline for spraying the plane(passengers included) with insectide before international flights leaving Nigeria.1.Didn't the passengers hear a prior announcement from d cabin crew that the spray wasn't harmful to passengers?2.Weren't the cabin crew also inside the plane to face the same spray?3.When else should one spray a plane leaving a mosquito-infested country except when all the plane's doors have been shut,as a prelude to the flight's departure?Some people are just plain jokers,indeed.Back to the BA flight,do most of us know the procedures that can be carried out by the flight captain/police when there are incidents or cases of disturbances onboard a flight that could have an impact on the flight's security/safety?How do we know that the nigerians on board didn't get unruly/aggressive(as many of us could tend to be)during their protest in support of the nigerian passenger who was the catalyst for the entire drama?I'm aware that many passengers of different nationalities have been ejected from flights hundreds of time across the globe e.g in cases where they were deemed as security risks,unruly,aggressive or a danger to other passengers etc.

P.S. As someone who believes in the rights & respect of a paying customer,i however believe that BA should indeed apologise for the inconvencience/disrespect some passengers alleged faced on the day in question.However,we should stop seeking cheap publicity primarily for the sake of self-importance/relevance.

The Torture called Banking

It’s 9.45pm on a Wednesday. I had just gotten off the phone with a banker friend of mine. The conversation ended up lasting less than 15 seconds. No, the connection didn’t prematurely end. The brevity of the call was because the gentleman told me, in a hushed tone, that he couldn’t speak at the time. Simply because he was in the middle of a meeting in the office. In the background, I could hear some of his colleagues discussing work-related matters. I rechecked my watch, just to be sure what time it was. I hadn’t been wrong. It was 15 minutes to 10.And this chap was in the middle of a meeting at the office.Wow.I didn’t know whether to laugh or sympathize with him. I then thought about the likely possibility of him getting home around 11pm or later.The next thing that came to my mind was him reluctantly having to wake up a few hours later for another busy day. If you are currently in the banking industry, what you’ve just read might not sound like such a big deal as many of you are probably used to long hours being spent at the office.However,I wonder what most employees really feel about this ‘torture’ in the name of collecting a salary. From various interactions i’ve had with bankers, picking up your stuff to close at 5.30pm would draw serious stares from your colleagues & bosses alike. Like you were walking around the office naked. So my wonder is this: Why do most bankers work such lengthy hours? Some say it’s a way of avoiding the regular rush hour traffic in the evenings. Could it possibly be a bit of eye-service, as well? As in, to seem like such a committed workaholic in the eyes of your boss or superiors? Or is your bank/unit/department understaffed,thereby creating an enormous amount of workload for the available hands to handle? I had actually thought that with the capitalization exercise carried out by the CBN a few years ago, things in this area would improve. My angle being that there would be only about 25 banks in operation(as against the 80+ we had before) thereby reducing competition, and that the 25 would have vast amount of funds available at their disposal, thereby reducing the pressure experienced in the past with marketing,rivals,financing of required staff number requirements/remuneration costs etc.For married, female bankers, there’s also a negative impact lengthy work hours could have with the domestic requirements at home, especially when children are involved. So my dear people, what exactly makes it ‘unofficially’ necessary that most bank employees close late? As for my banker friend, I hope he gets spared the current torture he’s experiencing, though. I thought i heard only witches/wizards met late at night.

Nothing Funny About It....

I believe that a major reason why customers, of anything from a restaurant to a concert, are constantly treated shabbily in this country is because we (the customers) always accept it. If one treats a client like crap and gets away with it, chances are that there would always be a repetition. When I say ‘shabbily’, I’m referring to stuff like long delays for shows to start (aka African Time), rudeness and general disrespect for the customer in this country. One of the chief culprits of this type of behaviour are concert/show organizers. Although there are so many instances to serve as evidence to back up my assertion, I’ve decided to use an event that occurred a few weeks ago. The venue was the almost-overstretched Muson Centre, Onikan. The event: Comedian AY’s show. First of all, if a show was meant to start at 5pm, then why in the Lord’s name can’t it start at the pledged time? I so would like an answer. Maybe I’m very strange for expecting it to?It actually sickens me.
I gather that after the 'usual' situation of delaying guests outside the venue for a few hours, the show finally got underway (after a mad stampede as people struggled to get into the hall). It soon became clearly apparent to everyone that the show’s organizers had sold tickets almost twice the amount of seats at the renowned events venue. Why? Well, as that’s definitely a rhetorical question, I wouldn’t hold my breath for an answer. As the greedy/inept organizers realised that there was bound to be a major ‘seating’ headache which might not go down too well with guests (as N5k had been prepaid by the attendees), they decided to take a shockingly drastic, but low, step. As many guests(being typical Nigerians) had obeyed the unwritten ‘African Time’ rule and arrived late, this unlucky batch were told to wait for hours as there would now be,spontaneously,2 shows instead. Some of you may ask this good question: Were the scheduled performances by D’Banj,P-Square etc to happen twice for the two batches of guests?Answer:HELL NO.I guess the only way that was going to happen was if the show’s coordinators were ready to double the appearance fees to be paid the KokoMaster & other artistes. So what did the sharp events people do? They got P-Square to perform for the 1st batch of early-arrivers and saved D-Banj for the late-comers waiting for over 2 hours outside (2nd show). As for the ‘jokes’ department, they got about 3 up-coming acts to perform briefly for the latter show. A friend’s sister who had bought a VIP ticket had to share a seat with another friend as there was no space for her to seat during the first show. The passageways that were to enable guests/food & drinks sellers to move freely was fully taken over by newly arranged seats & previously stranded people.(The exact thing that happened at last Xmas’ Rhythm Unplugged in Lagos).As such, many guests couldn’t get something to drink and/or eat. Similar dilemma faced by those who wanted to make use of the restroom. One look at the difficulty of making it to and from the bathroom, and most realised it was smarter to hold their bowels. After all the terrible experiences endured by those who attended this ‘disaster of a show’, nobody prostested to the organizers. They seemed to just accept it,as if it was a free show they were privileged to attend. Why didn’t people in the 1st batch ask ‘Where’s D-Banj?'.Afterall, that was partly what the N5K was meant to cover, right? How about those who did ‘sufferhead’ waiting for the 2nd show to start at 9pm? Didn’t any of them demand for P-Square, as the Show’s adverts promised? Or feel belittled for being kept standing outside for so long? Oppression seems truly a thing of the mind, guys.
Given the evidently ‘passive’ behaviour of those who were cheated/maltreated that crazy Sunday, I’m quite confident we’ll see a repeat at next year’s edition. I won’t be there to experience it, though. That’s for sure.

All Suffering...

Let me guess.When you hear the word suffering,you immediately think of impoverished children in a wartorn zone,haggard-looking beggars on city streets or prisoners of war being constantly tortured by their captors.Right?Well,if that's your perspective on what the word means or refers to,you may be wrong.

Now,let me briefly explain what the catalyst for this was.I was at a get-together recently and as usual,the group at the occasion started to discuss the state of things in our dear naija.Armed robbers,electricity,corruption and so on.Then someone talked about the suffering being inflicted on the poverty-stricken masses.At this point,one guy responded that we are all suffering.Yes,all of us.Including those who live in expensive apartments,drive nice cars and have very good paying jobs.And i agree.

According to him,waking up for at 4.30am on weekdays because of one's fear of entering the usual,crazy traffic is suffering.Same with putting off one's generator at midnight(despite no available light from PHCN) and sleeping in that condition is suffering.You get the drift,guys.The commonly held view is that suffering is only synonymous with poverty.However,that's not true.So the simple way to figure out which of the two gentlemen at the party was correct is this:To see what the English Dictionary defines suffering as.The definition goes thus:''To undergo or sustain something painful,injurious or unpleasant''.As we know,being in traffic for 4 hours a day is unpleasant.Going to watch a football match at an uncomfortable,overcrowded joint because of problems with your overworked 'back-up' Generator is not pleasant.Being robbed of your valuables once or twice a month in traffic,while on one's way home,is unpleasant & painful(in some cases,injurious also).Based on this,it's clear we are all suffering.Whether we like to admit or not.It's not just those we see begging half-naked on our streets,people.